The Suicide Diaries
by KateKicksAss
Summary: Set during New Moon, Alice gets a vision of Bella jumping off the cliff, but Edward doesn't think of the Volturi, and instead tries to commit suicide in human ways, i.e. poison, jumping off buildings, etc. The funny stories of Edwards suicide attemps.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

Edward Cullen sat on the couch moping. The Cullens had moved to New York after leaving Forks, but Edward didn't care. He hadn't gone out once, and sat on the couch depressed and moping all the time. One day, as he was wondering if Bella even still remembered who he was, a crash snapped him out of his pity party. It was Alice. She stood frozen, with the fragments of a glass vase around her. It was extremely hard to make a vampire lose their concentration, so even Edward, with his misery-addled brain knew something was up. In a second, he was standing next to Alice and reading her mind.

"No!", he gasped.

In a few minutes, the whole family was gathered, and Alice explained shakily what she had seen.

"It's Bella", she said, staring at the ground. "She jumped off a cliff".

A collective gasp of horror was the only response.

"Suicide?", asked Edward, his mouth a hard line.

"Most likely", Alice nodded.

Before anyone could do anything, Edward ran out the door and disappeared.

"Where did he go?", Esme asked, concerned.

Alice concentrated for a moment, then gasped again.

"He's going to try and kill himself!", she cried.

"Can I watch?", asked Emmett eagerly.

"Shut Up, Emmett, this is serious!", Alice moaned, as she hung her head. "He just can't live without Bella, even if he was stupid enough to abandon her"

:We have to go after him!", Esme moaned, "I can't stand to see anything happen to him, oh no!"

"I'm getting flashes of him, I can't see anything clearly, he keeps changing his mind." said Alice.

She sat down and concentrated for several minutes. Nobody moved a muscle until she spoke again.

Alice smiled sarcastically.

"He knows that no one in this family will help him kill himself, so he's going to try and jump off a building.", she said.

"You tried that, right Carlisle?", asked Rosalie, surprised. "It didn't work, right?"

Carlisle shook his head hopefully.

"Oh don't worry", Alice said dryly. "If that doesn't work, then he has a whole bunch of plans figured out. After that, he'll drink poison, then try to drown himself, then try a chainsaw, and so many other things."

Emmett cracked up. "Now I REALLY have to watch!", he exclaimed in between loud chuckles. "Edward with a CHAINSAW! Hahahaha!"

Everyone ignored him, not bothering to point out that the fact that Edward was now suicidal was the main point.

"But we are lucky, though", Alice continued.

"How?", Esme moaned. She was slumped on the couch next to Carlisle, head in her hands.

"Well for one thing, I don't really thing that any of those will work, and second, he's forgotten one VERY important thing", Alice replied.

The other Cullens tried to press her to find out what it was, but Alice just shook her head, refusing to say anything more.


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, Edward stood in front of the Empire State Building, attracting a lot of funny looks from passersby. Shoving a little old lady carrying a twenty pound bag of dog food out of the way, he marched forward, into the building.

"May I help you?", asked a receptionist, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously. Edward rolled his eyes and headed towards the elevators.

Elbowing past the line of people waiting for an elevator, ignoring the many evil eyes and shouts of "Hey!", and "Wait your turn, jerk!" aimed at him. He shoved his way into a packed elevator and hit the button for the top floor.

"Rude young man!" snapped a voice. Edward turned. It was the lady with the dog food from outside. Much to the amusement of the other elevator passengers, the lady stepped forward and began hitting Edward with her dog food bag. Edward sighed and tried to resist the urge to grab her and throw her through the wall.

Finally, the elevator reached the top floor, and Edward headed purposefully towards a door marked "Roof".

Meanwhile, outside, the rest of the Cullens reached the building. "He's really going to jump?" asked Esme. Alice nodded. "We must make sure no one sees him" said Esme. "Hey I know!" yelled Emmett gleefully. Then, cupping his hands around his mouth, he yelled, "HEY EVERYONE!! FREE HOTDOGS BEHIND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!!". The effect was like magic. Within minutes, the normally busy New York street was practically deserted.

"Look, there he is!", Esme moaned, pointing to a shadowy figure on the roof of the Empire State Building. "Oh No!" Alice gasped and ran off, not wanting him to be able to read her mind.

As the other Cullens tried to shepherd the remaining pedestrians off the street, Edward was staring off the top of the building. "Goodbye, my lovely Bella", he said mournfully, taking out a picture of Bella from his pocket and kissing it.

"Emmett! We DO NOT assault hot dog vendors and steal their carts!" Esmee screeched. "Emmett, put that poor man DOWN, NOW!". She raced off, leaving only Rosalie, Carlisle, and Jasper to deal with persuading an annoyed businessman that he should vacate the vicinity immediately.

Edward heard it all from the top of the building, and had to roll his eyes and suppress a chuckle of amusement. He wondered briefly if death was the only way to go, but then looked again at his photo, his cold, unbeating heart breaking a thousand times as he stared into her smiling face. Shoving the 3x5 rectangle back into his pocket, she stepped forward and leaped.

The Fall seemed like hours to him. His instincts screamed for him to bend his knees so that he would land easily on the ground, but he managed to keep his position head first.

CRASH! With a jarring thud, Edward landed. Picking himself up from the huge crater he'd made on the sidewalk, he felt his head, which was completely scratch and dent free, and looked around. "DAMMIT", he swore, "It didn't work!", he raced away before the other Cullens could catch him, all the while thinking of another suicide possibility.

Meanwhile, on the next block, A small boy tugged his mothers sleeve. "Mommy, Mommy! That man just jumped off the Empire State Building!", She grunted in reply. "But Mommy!" he cried, tugging even harder, "Mommy, he landed on his _head_! And he didn't even bleed! And he got up and ran away!". "That's not possible honey", she replied, making a mental note to cut down on little Johnnys sugar intake as she finished her Snickers bar and went back to her National Enquirer cover story titled, "Woman gives birth to space Alien!".

e lost him, dammit!oing to do?"ullens could catch him, all the while thinking of another suicide possibility.

on the ground, b


	3. Chapter 3

As Edward raced furiously through the streets of New York, his mind (along with his superhuman body) was going a mile a second.

"Why didn't it work, dammitt?" he cursed under his breath.

He could sense the other Cullens following him, but keeping their distance, just enough so he could sense them, but not read their minds clearly.

Suddenly, something caught his eye and he stopped immediately, barely noticing the fact that he had skidded into a light post and knocked it over

.

"Hey, Buster, that's against the law you know!", yelled a nearby policeman who had watched the pole fall, openmouthed.

Edward ignored the Policeman, and proceeded to dash into the small drugstore he'd spotted.

"Give me one can of Comet, a bottle of Windex, rat poison, bug spray, and every toxic chemical substance that you carry please", Edward demanded of the perplexed salesman.

Edward drummed his fingers in frustration on the glass countertop as the man went to fetch everything- agonizingly slowly, in Edwards opinion-, but quickly stopped when he heard a crack and a few shards of glass fell to the floor.

"That's $57.92 sir", said the salesman as he rang it all up.

Edward impatiently tossed a hundred dollar bill at the man and growled, "Keep the change" as he impatiently struggled with the child-proof, (and apparently vampire-proof) lid on the bottle of rat poison.

Losing his patience, he bit it off, much to the shock of the salesman. As the salesman's mouth dropped open, Edward quickly downed the contents of the bottle. A few customers watched in horror and one whipped out her cell phone to dial 911. Before she'd punched in a single number, The rest of the Cullens raced in. Esme snatched the phone out of the woman's hand and laughed nervously.

"It's a joke everyone", Rosalie announced, glaring at Edward.

"Some stupid marketing scam I think", muttered the woman with the cell phone to her friend, and glared at Edward and the Salesman as they walked out.

Edward, realizing the poison had no effect, quickly ripped the tube of Comet in half and crammed both halves down his throat.

He gagged and fell to the floor, writhing about from the taste.

"Soon I will be with you, my sweet Bella", he moaned, as the other Cullens watched in shock.

Edwards vision began to get fuzzy.

"Finally!" he thought.

Suddenly, the taste of the poison caught up to him.

He retched and stood up. There were a few shocked customers still staring as the other Cullens tried to shepherd them out.

As Edward hurried in the direction of a nearby aisle, he bumped into a lady carrying a huge bag of dog food, coincidentally, the same lady he'd bumped into in front of the empire state building.

"You again!", she snapped, recognizing Edward. She began hitting him with her bag of dog food.

Resisting the urge to cram some of the remaining poison down her throat, Edward raced forward, all the while the old lady following him, still whacking him with her dog food.

As Edward reached his destination, the candy aisle, he managed to shove the old lady into a nearby display. As she and the display crashed to the floor, he grabbed a bag of M&M's off the shelf.

He'd never had much tolerance for chocolate, even when he was human, but he figured anything would be better than the taste of the comet still lingering in his throat.

To the amazement of several teenage girls in the aisle, Edward ate the M&M's, bag and all, than grabbed a Snickers bar.

Suddenly, Alice appeared at the end of the aisle.

"I found him!", she shouted.

Edward promptly choked on his candy bar and ran, with the wrapper still stuck between his extremely venomous teeth.

Suddenly, he found himself slipping and falling, landing on a cushion of dog food and stuffed animals.

He had tripped over an infuriatingly cute fluffy bunny, which of course reminded him of Bella.

"Son, you're coming with us", said a cold voice.

Edward looked up. A large police officer was standing above him, hands on hips, with an annoyed expression on his face.

"Attempted theft, vandalization, the purchase and consumption of highly toxic substances", listed the officer, ticking them off on his fingers as he talked.

"So it's off to the ER first, then the police station for a little chat", continued the officer, holding up a pair of hand-cuffs.

Edward rolled his eyes, a gesture not missed by the policeman, who glared at him and gestured for him to get up.

Edward spit the Snickers wrapper into the officers face and got up and ran.

"Hey, you come back here right now you mediocre delinquent!" shouted the officer, red in the face and waving his fist.

Edward allowed enough time to give the officer a rude hand gesture before racing out the door.

Time for plan C.


	4. Chapter 4

Edward was blindly racing through the streets of New York again, this time, searching for a place that carried power tools.

As he looked behind him to check whether the other Cullens were following him, he forgot to look where he was going.

BAM! Edward crashed into and scattered a crowd of excited theater-goers waiting in line for the newest off-Broadway musical.

Picking himself up from the second sidewalk crater he'd mad in one day, he prepared to run off again when a hand grabbed his arm.

Not opposed to snapping at it if it turned out to be one of the Cullens, Edward turned to face whoever it was, hell-freezing glare in place.

"You!", snarled a very familiar police officer.

"Disturbing the peace, not watching where you're going to ad to your charges", panted the police officer, pulling handcuffs and a glazed donut out of his pockets.

He crammed the donut into his mouth as he tried to pull Edward off the ground to handcuff him.

"mmpgh glrrmph thlargh", the policeman tried to talk with his mouth full of donut. Edward turned away in disgust.

Swallowing noisily, the policeman repeated himself.

"I said, if it's up to me, I'm going to make sure you get some time in the slammer", growled the policeman. "I hate teenagers…..HEY! What do you think you're doing!", for Edward had gotten to his feet and started jogging away.

Edward knew that it could blow his cover if he appeared to just disappear, so he tried to run at a human pace. Albeit a fast human marathon winners pace, but human nonetheless.

The policeman began racing after him, calling into his Walkie-Talkie for reinforcements.

The chase was on.


	5. Chapter 5

The policeman stumbled on the curb and picked up speed. Red faced and shrieking, the policeman chased Edward down the street.

Cursing, Edward picked up speed as the policeman shouted, calling him a variety of colorful names, the politest of which were Hooligan and Delinquent.

CRASH! As Edward rounded the corner, he crashed into a Hot Dog cart.

The policeman smirked. "I've got him now!", he crowed.

Edward swore loudly and shoved the wreckage of the cart off himself.

"HEY! You owe me a new cart!", shouted the enraged vendor.

Wiping mustard off his face, Edward got up and kept running, pausing only to peel a hot dog off his shoe.

"Where did that hooligan go?" Demanded the policeman angrily, catching up the the smashed Hot Dog cart.

"That teenager who smashed my cart? He went that way", replied the vendor, pointing.

The policeman resumed the chase, now joined by the angry Hot Dog vendor.

Edward cut down a side street and down an alley. He looked behind him.

The officer and Hot Dog vendor were still on his tail. Edward wished he could just climb a wall or jump a building, but he didn't want to expose his family.

Suddenly, Edward skidded to a stop. Ahead of him were a few overflowing dumpsters and a blank brick wall. He had reached a dead end.

The policeman and vendor turned into the alley, "We've got him now!", cheered the officer.

The Policeman had doubled over panting, weakly holding out the cuffs towards Edward.

Suddenly, sirens sounded, and a police car swerved into the alley.

Two more uniformed officers stepped out, guns drawn.

"Don't move!", one of them barked.

Edward sighed and rolled his eyes.

"You're under arrest!", shouted the original policeman who had chased him from the drugstore.

"Purchase and consumption of toxic materials, vandalizing public property, disturbing the peace, being rude to an officer, attempts to resist capture and arrest, smashing a Hot Dog cart", he listed.

"Prepare to say hello to the county jail!", he grinned nastily and walked forward with the handcuffs, the other two officers backing him up with their guns drawn.

Though it would be amusing to provoke the officers to shoot him and watch their amazement as the bullets bounced off him, he knew he couldn't.

He sighed again and disappeared.

At least to the amazed policemen and Hot Dog vendor he did. He'd really just climbed a wall at superhuman speed, and was now watching the scene from above.

The Policemen were looking around in shock.

"A hallucination?", one of them suggested doubtfully.

"Hallucinations don't smash carts!", shouted the Hot Dog vendor. "I Demand some sort of payment!".

As the policemen attempted to calm him down and exchanged ludicrous theories at what had just happened with the delinquent they had just attempted to arrest, each one more ridiculous than the last, Edward had chuckled quietly and run off over the rooftops.

First stop: Any small clothing store where he could use his inhumanely good looks to get a salesgirl to give him some new clothes free.

Second stop: The power tools section of the nearest Hardware store.

**I have the next chapter ready to post! Please review and I'll put it up.**


	6. Chapter 6

Edward had reconsidered the clothes as he ran to find a Hardware store. He figured there was no point, if he was going to die anyway.

As Edward walked into Ace Hardware, a salesman walked up to him immediately.

"Can I help you sir?", he asked.

Edward, who had lost enough time with the stupid police chase and getting new clothes ignored him and raced to the power tools section.

Suddenly, the doors of the store burst open.

"There he is! I found him!", shouted Rosalie.

The rest of the Cullens, minus Alice raced in.

Edward groaned and raced through the power tools aisle.

Grabbing the biggest, nastiest-looking chainsaw he could find, he breezed past the salesman and ran out the door.

Not only did Edward not have any money on him, he also couldn't bring himself to care.

"HEY!" shouted the salesman, "That's $402.95!"

"Uhhm, he-he's in a really big hurry", Rosalie lied. "I was going to pay for that for him"

Shaking his head, the salesman headed towards the counter as Esme, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett followed Edward out the door.

Rosalie smiled at the salesman, who promptly stuttered and gave her the employee discount.

Meanwhile, Edward was looking for a place to power up the chainsaw and finally just die already!

He found a small park and powered up the chainsaw.

Lifting it above his head, he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. Probably better not to watch.

Suddenly, a child's voice cut through the whirring of the chainsaw.

"Mommy what is that man doing?", asked a little girl who had paused in her swinging to stare at Edward curiously.

Her mother, sitting nearby on a park bench, looked up and saw Edward.

She screamed and whipped out her cell phone and grabbed her little girl, racing away as fast as possible.

Luckily, Carlisle caught up to her before she could call 911.

"It's, er, a, uhmm a publicity stunt", he lied to the lady as he smoothly grabbed the cell phone and snapped it shut. "No need to be alarmed"

The lady gave him a weird look and marched off with her daughter, muttering about weirdos.

Back in the park, Edward had managed to attract the attention of several shocked passersby, and he was still holding the chainsaw above his head, a little embarrassed to have people watching his death.

As Emmett and Jasper repeated Carlisle's "publicity stunt" lie and prevented them from calling 911, Esme rushed up to Edward.

"Please no!", she begged him. "You can't do this. Not only do you risk getting arrested and exposing the vampire world, we'd all miss you, we don't want you to die".

"Sorry Esme", said Edward, and, still holding the running Chainsaw, he sprinted off.

If she were human, her eyes would have filed with tears as she stood and watched Edward run away.

After a few minutes, Edward found a small clearing surrounded by trees. Lifting the chainsaw once more, he brought it down hard on his chest.

Instead of killing him instantly, sparks rained down and he saw that the blade had received a huge dent.

Shocked but undeterred, he repeatedly brought the chainsaw down on various parts of his body, but instead of slicing him to shreds, all that happened was the chainsaw got banged up and the sparks he'd caused set a few nearby twigs briefly alight.

Edward made sure the chainsaw was on its highest setting before trying again, but with the same results.

While Edward was still unscathed, the chainsaw, on the other hand, looked as though it had been in use for years as opposed to about five minutes.

The blade was dented and broken in some places, and the plastic handle was melted and burned.

Edwards clothing had fared no better. His shirt was covered in ragged holes and slashes, and had burn marks all over it, and his pants were in such a state that not even a hobo would have deigned to wear them.

Edward picked up the chainsaw for a final attempt.

He tried to jam the whirring chainsaw blade into his eye, but instead of killing him or slicing him, it simply melted from the venom in his eyes.

As the chainsaw blade melted into a large silver puddle, Edward groaned. What was he supposed to do now?


	7. Chapter 7

Meanwhile, at the nearest New York airport, Alice was standing in line at the ticket counter, anxiously tapping her fingers on the wall. She decided to stop once she noticed she had put a hole in the scaffolding. Thankfully, it was her turn. She stepped forward.

"Yes", grumbled the bored-looking man behind the ticket counter.

"When's the next flight to Seattle?", asked Alice.

The man looked up, and immediately his tone changed to a more enthusiastic, polite one.

"Actually, it leaves in twenty minutes, miss", he said.

"Give me a ticket for it, please", said Alice in a rush.

"There's no way you'd make it, madam, especially with the security gates being so backed up", the man replied, with a slight undertone of surprise in his voice.

Alice smiled sweetly at him, and his mouth dropped open and he lost his train of thought.

"Ce-certainly, madam", he stuttered and quickly printed a ticket.

His mouth dropped even lower as Alice passed him several hundred-dollar bills to pay for the ticket.

"No checked baggage?", he asked.

"No, but thank you so much sir", said Alice, giving him another dazzling smile before turning to go.

The man stared after her in shock, openmouthed.

"Did that really just happen?", he asked himself as he turned to his next customer.

Alice didn't bother with the security gates. She took in the long lines that, had she deigned to wait in them, she would have certainly missed her flight, and raced by them at superhuman speed, and jumped over the metal detectors and barriers. It's not like there was any point in her being x-rayed or scanned by the metal detector, seeing as she was easily more dangerous than any human weapon someone could smuggle onto an airplane.

She reached her gate with time to spare.

She joined the line of passengers queuing to board the aircraft.

Then she looked at her ticket. If vampires could faint, she would've hit the floor.

Economy. Second Class. Coach.

Alice had never flown anything less than first class in her life. Actually, none of the Cullens had. They'd always been able to afford first class. The thought of coach had never even crossed her mind.

She gritted her teeth and refrained from yanking her hair out or putting a fist through the airport walls.

As she stepped back in line, she made a mental note to kill Edward. She was only doing this because of him, to try and go see if Bella was alive, since Edwards's sanity, criminal record, and potentially his life were in danger, but she seriously doubted the life part, if he continued his suicide attempts in similar ways.

As Alice moved forward in line, the man behind her stumbled over a cord on the floor and fell into her.

"Yeah, sorry dude…" he mumbled, but then he looked up.

He gaped at Alice, noticing her supernatural beauty.

"Hey gorgeous", he said, straightening up.

"Um, hi", she tried to step around the man but he wouldn't move out of the way, he stood still, staring at her, a dazed expression on his face.

Losing patience, Alice finally shoved him out of the way, which made the man snap out of his love-daze.

He didn't seem to mind being shoved into a pillar by her, in fact, as he moved to the end of the line, she heard him muttering about being shoved by an angel.

She rolled her eyes and stepped forward.

She handed the ticket taker her ticket and tapped her foot impatiently, not even noticing the small crater she had made in the floor.

"Your passport, miss?", asked the young man.

"What?", Alice exclaimed. She couldn't believe it. Her passport was still in the Cullen penthouse in Manhattan. She had been so agitated between Edwards idiotic failures of suicide attempts and Bella's supposed death that she'd completely forgotten her passport. Even she couldn't run fast enough to go retrieve her passport and still make the plane.

Alice decided to turn on the charm and gave a dazzling smile to the ticket man.

Alice suppressed a giggle as the man stuttered and fell backwards. She turned to walk towards the doors to the plane, but found the mans arm blocking her.

"Your passport?", he inquired.

Alice swore quietly and shot another gorgeous smile at the man, and discreetly passed him a hundred dollar bill.

"That is my passport, now let me through", she said quietly.

"O-of c-course, miss", he said, sneakily pocketing the money and ushering Alice onboard.

Alice walked down the aisle of the plane, looking for seat 32E.

Once she found it, if she were human, she _definitely _would have fainted.

32E was a middle seat.

In the seat to the left was a weepy, red-faced teenage girl who was steadily making use of a packet of travel tissues and who had the window down. To the right was an overweight man who was munching on a chocolate bar, and had smears of chocolate on his face, hands, and shirt.

"You thitting here, mith?", he asked her, his words muffled through his mouthful of candy.

"Uhm, no", she replied, nearly gagging at how he sprayed chocolate when he talked.

There was no way Alice was sitting with those two. She loved Edward, but not _that_ much.

She paused to consider her options, a plan forming in her mind.

Carlisle never would have done it, she knew, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Twenty minutes later, Alice was leaning back in a luxurious, leather, first-class seat. She smiled at the memory of how she'd gotten it.

_Alice walked the aisles of the first-class seating area, and finally, she found a target. A teenage boy was sitting alone in a row. _

_He was nerdy looking, and was even wearing a pocket protector, and was reading a comic book. _

_As Alice walked towards him, he made a disgusting snorting sound and pushed his thick, geeky-looking coke-bottle glasses up his nose._

"_Hey", Alice said, sitting down next to him. _

_The boy looked up, a surprised look coming over his face. He quickly took off his glasses and rubbed them on his shirt, then put them back on, and peered at Alice again. _

"_H-hey", he said, snorting again. _

_Alice smiled, and the boy dropped his comic book. _

_As Alice pretended to be interested in what the boy was saying about his comic book, something about x-men from Mars with lasers, she knew he had to go._

"_Wow, that's so fascinating!", Alice lied through her teeth, cutting through the boys monologue, something about spacemen and world domination and action figures._

_Alice leaned closer to him, and unzipped her sweatshirt._

"_Do you think you could do me a favor?", she asked him, and stared into his dishwater colored eyes. She smiled again._

"_Uh, m-maybe", he stammered, eyes locked on her face._

_Alice braced herself, then leaned forward and kissed him quickly, hoping that Jasper wouldn't mind, since it was a matter of life and death._

_Alice gagged as she pulled away, wiping her lips off on a barf bag._

_Thankfully, the boy didn't notice, his eyes were clouded and he had an expression of dazed bliss on his face._

_Taking advantage of this, Alice moved his luggage at vampire speed to her seat at 32E, and shoved the boy down the aisle to his new seat._

_The boy, whose name was Brian, often nicknamed "Loser" at school was practically in shock._

_First, the most gorgeous girl he had ever met in his life had come up to him and started talking to him, and then she had kissed him!_

_Not that he'd ever tell anyone (or ever have anyone to tell), he was 18 and had never been kissed before._

_Now, he was sitting in some crappy, second-class seat between a fat, chocolate junkie and a weepy teenage girl who had run out of travel tissues and was now sobbing into a barf bag. And Brian had practically no recollection of how he'd gotten there. And where was the hot girl?_

_He sighed. Well, he could at least try to make the flight more bearable. He turned to the weepy girl._

"_Hey, do you like comic books?"_

Alice grabbed a bottle of disinfectant out of her purse, and rubbed it over her lips. Though she did have to kiss a loser now and then to get what she wanted, the first class seat had definitely been worth it.

"I love being a vampire", she whispered.

**Please review! Sorry if this chapter wasn't as funny as the previous ones, but I promise the next one will be! Next chapter is in the works!**


	8. Chapter 8

Edward raced through the park and leaned heavily against a tree. With a groaning, cracking sound, the tree fell over in a flurry of leaves and creaking branches.

A fat squirrel chattered angrily at Edward then ran off.

Edward groaned and looked around nervously, then ran off.

Finally, he leaned against a building and slid to the ground, head in his hands as he brainstormed more suicide possibilities.

Well, if a chainsaw had melted and left him without a scratch, stabbing himself was obviously out. Poison hadn't worked, and had tasted terrible. Hmmmmm, what was he supposed to do now?

Suddenly, he had s brief flash of inspiration, when suddenly, something hit him on the head.

He looked up. A lady had thrown a quarter at him.

He stared from her to the coin to himself. His clothes were dirty and disgusting, covered in holes, slashes, and burns, along with condiments from the Hot Dog cart he'd smashed earlier. His pants were no better, and his face was smeared with dirt.

"I AM NOT HOMELESS!", he exclaimed loudly, but the lady was too far away by now, and he knew she wouldn't believe him.

This was a new low for him.

His family was rich, and had millions and millions of dollars, and now someone had mistaken him for a bum. He couldn't believe it.

..

Suddenly, he heard familiar voices from the next block.

"EMMETT! We are here to look for Edward, now give that poor lady back her clothes! And for gods sake, you don't even need to eat, so what do you want with all those Hot Dogs?", he heard Esme's voice say exasperatedly.

Resisting the urge to crack a smile, Edward got to his feet, when suddenly; Jasper appeared at the end of the street.

"Edward, please", he said, slowly stepping forward.

Suddenly, a wave of calm washed over Edward. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this way.

Edward knew that it was just Jaspers unusual gift making him feel this way, but he didn't care. He didn't even care that Jasper was walking towards him, presumably to stop him from…..he didn't even remember what he'd been doing, and what the purpose had been. Now all he wanted was to embrace this calm feeling…

Esme walked up from behind Edward.

"Jasper, you're brilliant", she whispered.

Jaspers plan might even have worked had it not been for Emmett, running up from behind Jasper.

"You found him? Why didn't you say so!", he cried.

"Emmett!", Esme hissed, but it was too late.

In a flash, everything came back to Edward, and he growled.

Edwards only pause before racing away was to wonder why on earth Emmett had several Hot Dogs in his hands.

He rolled his eyes. He was probably better off not knowing, which was usually a good policy when it came to Emmett.

**I promise more action next chapter! Please keep reading! Sorry if this chapter was a bit dry!**

**ALSO: I am taking ideas for Edwards next suicide attempt! Please review and suggest!**


	9. Chapter 9

Edward ran through the streets again, another plan forming in his mind. Next stop, hardware store….preferably a different one.

Managing to sniff out another hardware store a few miles away, he ran as fast as he could towards it, not noticing OR caring about the trail of destruction he was leaving in his wake.

MEANWHILE:

Pedestrians watched in shock as trees mysteriously seemed to topple on their own, and Fire hydrants and garbage cans were knocked over.

No one had any idea what could be up…..EXCEPT a certain police officer.

The fat, donut eating policeman straightened up as yet ANOTHER call came through about one of the sidewalk trees falling on someone's car.

"I bet it's that damn teenager I was chasing earlier", he growled, straightening his walkie talkie as he headed to his car.

"I'm gonna nail that rotten kid if it's the last thing I do!", he snarled determinedly, sure that if he just followed the wake of destruction, he'd find the kid.

Edward walked in the door of the hardware store and headed straight to the nearest salesperson.

"I'm looking for the most durable ropes or chains that you've got, preferable both-", he was interrupted by a scream as the salesperson looked up and saw him.

"AAAAAUUUGGHH!", the man screamed, running away, terrified.

Edward frowned. "Great service this place has!", he said in a loud, sarcastic tone.

The few customers in the store looked up and saw him.

Several of them began to mutter to each other, one of them gasped. They all abandoned their purchases and left the store.

Edward looked down.

"Oh…yeah". He'd forgotten about his appearance. Still covered in dirt, condiments, and holes, burns, and slashes from the chainsaw.

A man wearing a nametag that read "Manager" walked up to him.

"I'm sorry sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now", he said calmly, putting a hand on Edwards arm, trying to steer him towards the door, and somewhat unnerved to find that it was rather like trying to push a brick wall.

"What the hell?", snapped Edward, not bothering to try and be polite.

"Sir, I'm sorry but er….we have a policy against homeless people".

Someone had once AGAIN thought he was homeless! Edward reluctantly allowed himself to be led out of the store, cursing his bad luck.

Next stop: Clothing store.

**Sorry I haven't updated for a while. Also, PROPS TO ANYONE WHO CAN GUESS FROM THE CLUES IN THIS CHAPTER WHAT EDDYKINS'S NEXT SUICIDE ATTEMPT WILL BE! Also, sorry about the lack of action in this Chapter. I'm about halfway through the next one, and I promise it'll be better.**


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